Ten Rock-Solid, Argument-Proof Reasons Why I Have Not Replied to Your Email Yet

Look, I’ve been using all my spare time to research honey badgers.

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

To: mildredhopper@gmail.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Can you make it to my bridal shower this weekend?

Mildred, this is honestly SO hilarious! In replying to emails from my four OTHER friends named Mildred, I totally thought I’d replied to you too! So crazy!

To: mom2peters@gmail.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Dad and I will be in town on Tuesday

You would not believe all the stuff that has happened around here lately. No specifics, lol, don’t want to bore you with the details, but believe me, SO busy. Just crazy busy. No time to breathe. I’ve been on oxygen since Thursday, in fact.

To: mildredhopper@gmail.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Can you make it to my housewarming party this weekend?

Sorry for the delay! I’ve been incredibly busy lately with my new volunteer work at the animal shelter, rescuing honey badgers. This is convenient for my schedule and also convenient for the emails I have neglected, since you would look like a jerk if you got mad about my community service to abused animals.

To: beverlyhuggins@gmail.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Found this article on productivity you might enjoy!

I’ve been on a social media cleanse, and that includes not checking Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Tinder, Snapchat, Grammar.ly, or email before 8 AM. Snooze it and lose it!

To: mildredhopper@gmail.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Can you make it to my baby shower this weekend?

My bad for not getting back to you! I’ve been using all my spare time to research honey badgers, discovering along the way that they actually are only native to Africa and southwest Asia. That would explain why rescuing them here in Cleveland has been so difficult.

To: daniellehenry@importantworkplace.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Quick query for my favorite coworker

The questions you posed in your email required my total and complete concentration and attention in order to answer them with the full weight they deserve, and I simply haven’t had the time! It’s just because I respect you, your needs, and the processes of my brain so much.

To: professorslughorn@cityuniversity.edu
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Late homework submissions

Jane Austen, letter writer and letter replier extraordinaire, came back from the dead as a well-dressed ghost and smacked me in the face for not getting back to you, so I was forced to time travel back to 1816 and fight her, and then recuperate in a 19th-century hospital with leeches on my skin after she wiped the floor with me. I mean, what choice did I have?

To: bosslady1970@importantworkplace.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Your annual performance report

I accidentally deleted your email, all my other emails, disabled my entire email account, fried the computer, disabled the server, and burned down the office. My bad.

To: mommyofjhayydenne@gmail.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Haven’t heard from you in a while!!!! :-)

I definitely did reply to that email. You must have missed it somehow, or the server ate it, or that annoying toddler of yours opened your laptop and deleted it. My money is on the toddler.

To: mildredhopper@gmail.com
From: wilheminapeters@gmail.com
Subject: RE: Can you make it to my child’s first birthday party this weekend?

A honey badger ate my computer. It was totally unforeseen and obviously I don’t have honey badger insurance, so frankly I find it deeply insensitive that you would even EXPECT a reply to your email during this extremely difficult time.

This piece originally appeared in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket in 2021.