If Jane Austen Characters Attended Zoom Thanksgiving

A 2020 rerun for a little laugh today.

I wrote this piece in 2020, during COVID lockdowns, but I am bringing it back this year since my family is staying home from festivities at my parents’. We don’t have COVID, but we do have hand-foot-and-mouth disease. I guess that’s the opposite of the royal we, as it somehow miraculously doesn’t include me. The peasant we? Anyway, please enjoy this bit of literary humor and have a pleasant, thankful day wherever you are.

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Thanksgiving, celebrated with social distancing in place, will look a little different this year. Some of us may be nervous about “socializing” with distant relatives over a video call. But comparing your more difficult relations to Jane Austen’s timeless caricatures of human nature may help you know what to expect.

Edward Ferrars

Online interactions are actually preferable for the Edward of the family, as they allow him to fade into the (virtual) background. He keeps himself on mute, grateful to not have to say much, and keeps “accidentally” turning off his camera.

Marianne Dashwood

Never the type to keep quiet about how she’s feeling, Marianne will wax super dramatic about how her year has been filled with hardship and isolation. If it is raining in her part of the country, she will be sure to let you know. A charming extrovert who thrives on interaction, she may dominate the conversation and steamroll other people’s feelings — but you know you’ll forgive her and invite her back next year anyway.

Mrs. Bennet

Going online will not stop her from trying to match you up with her coworker’s wealthy nephew! She’s been dying to update you on everyone you’ve lost touch with who is now more successful than you. Did you know your friend from high school who became a dentist is now making $200,000 a year?

Mr. Collins

Those of us facing unemployment right now are really happy for him that he likes his job so much, but does he have to gush about his boss the entire time? Mr. Collins has perfected the art of the humblebrag, whether he’s casually letting you know just how much emergency TP is hoarded on the shelves of his linen closet, or mouthing off about his most excellent mashed potatoes.

George Wickham

George has updated his profile picture for the 8th time, and sent a Venmo request to the group chat.

Mr. Woodhouse

There’s a hypochondriac in every family. The Mr. Woodhouse type is convinced he has COVID, and that you do too. Every sniffle, cough, or even twitching of the nose is sure to catch his attention and prompt a lengthy discussion about whether you should go to urgent care, and how you would feel so much better in general if you would only try his Whole 30 diet for a while.

Emma Woodhouse

Handsome, clever, and rich, Emma is that successful cousin you wish you could be (and so does your mother). Her student debt is a thing of the past, she has a successful job that allows her to work from home, and her dating life has somehow not suffered during a pandemic. Like Marianne, she also charms her way into making everyone like her anyway, but her jokes can occasionally leave an uncomfortable silence that can’t be blamed on Internet lag.

Miss Bates and Mrs. Bates

They have constant connectivity problems and cannot seem to turn their speakers on. (“She said TURKEY, Mother.” “WHAT?”) Having just as much trouble with their microphone, half of what they say cannot be heard. This is not much of a loss, however, since they spend an inordinate amount of time reading aloud inspirational chain emails and reminding their family to copy and paste a privacy status to prevent Facebook from stealing all their information.

Anne Elliot

Long-suffering patience personified. Kind of relieved to not be traveling or having little kids climb on her, though she’d never say so. Made all the traditional food even if there isn’t anyone there to eat it.

Elizabeth Bennet

A lively, playful disposition that delights in anything ridiculous? Why, that’s you, of course!

Now, if Mr. Darcy would only join the group chat…

This piece originally appeared in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket.