How Jane Austen Characters Would React to a Solar Eclipse

Celestial phenomena meets literary humor.

Did you see the eclipse yesterday? We had 93% totality in this part of Pennsylvania, and my 3-year-old had a lot of fun looking at the moon through his glasses. And it made me wonder— if a total solar eclipse had been a historical reality in Regency England, how would Jane Austen's characters have reacted? Austen herself would sadly never have experienced an eclipse (none were visible in the British Isles from 1724 to 1925) so I took the liberty of writing some speculative fiction pertaining thereunto, and I present it today for your diversion.

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Marianne Dashwood would be quoting "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon / Who is already sick and pale with grief" until every body present was sick and pale with hearing it.

Mr. Darcy would not be in humor to give consequence to any sun so slighted by the moon, thank you.

Harriet Smith would be so pleased that the eclipse made it possible to look directly at the sun with no ill effect! O! What delight!

Mary Crawford would take the last pair of eclipse spectacles so that Fanny would not get any, but she would laugh charmingly while doing so and Edmund would be all too glad to come up with a reason why this was actually exemplary behavior.

Fanny Price would miss the eclipse because she would be sent back into the house at the very last minute by Lady Bertram to fetch a cushion for Pug to sit upon.

Mary Bennet would play the Moonlight Sonata in honor of the day, which would be recognized by no one present as the Moonlight Sonata, but would encourage the local canine residents to lift every voice and sing.

Edward Ferrars would have to uncomfortably and regrettably decline Elinor Dashwood's invitation to see the eclipse from Devonshire, as he had an undisclosed prior engagement.

Mrs. Bennet's poor nerves would not be able to bear the excitement of such an unsettling event, but nor would she be able to bear sitting above stairs lending elegance to the situation and missing all the hubbub, so she would flit back and forth shrieking for Hill all the while.

Sir Walter Elliot would remain indoors, copiuously bedaubed with Gowland's Lotion, to protect his skin from this unnatural monstrosity.

Mr. Woodhouse would be greatly concerned for the health and safety of all who intend to view this eclipse, and would have much to offer in the way of conflicting information on the best way to avoid fricaseeing the optic nerve.

Lydia Bennet would keep the shopkeepers busy all through the appointed time. La, it is of no consequence! They may as well help her to purchase an ugly bonnet. All the other patrons are out of doors and they have nothing better to do!

Mary Musgrove could not possibly stand the shock of the eclipse herself, but Anne could tolerate it very well, and might go out and look directly at it and tell Mary all about it, and manage the children in the meantime.

Caroline Bingley would take several turns sbout the garden in anticipation of the eclipse, to show off her figure, and would make three thousand separate remarks to Mr. Darcy about being able to enjoy celestial phenomena even without fine eyes.

Catherine Morland and Isabella Thorpe would enjoy frightening each other with tales of horror about the sun being blotted out forever, and would be genuinely disappointed as totality ended.

Mr. Collins would be gratified to delight the company with the news that the solar eclipse has the full approval and even the esteemed patronage of Lady Catherine de Bourgh and may proceed as scheduled at the appointed time.

Mrs. Elton would be quick to assure everyone that they had much better eclipses, in greater totality than this, two or three times every week at Maple Grove.

Of course, if Lady Catherine de Bourgh had ever studied astronomy, she would have been a TRUE PROFICIENT. 😤

And if there were any justice in this world, once the moon had finished covering up the sun, it would dislodge an asteroid which would hurtle down to earth and squish John Willoughby right where he stood. The End.