"Help! I Asked For Parenting Advice Online and I Now Regret Everything!"

What the comments section of every parenting Facebook group looks like, more or less. Maybe a tiny bit of hyperbole. But only a tiny bit.

THE ORIGINAL POST

Chelsea L., 8:45 PM
Hey guys, I could use some help. Leah (18 months) used to go in her crib at 7:30 every night, after her normal bedtime routine (read stories, brush teeth, diaper change, pajamas, and a lullaby) but for the past few nights she’s been kicking and screaming like a banshee and doesn’t want to go to bed no matter how late it is! I don’t think she’s sick — she just doesn’t want to stop playing and go to sleep. Any advice?

THE COMMENTS

Bridget M., 8:46 PM
Sounds like your routine may not be enough to let her know it’s time for sleep. Nostradamus does everything that you listed above, plus a half-hour of classical music, two games of patty-cake, a Shakespearean monologue in the bathroom mirror, a personalized song performed by his father on the mandolin, a true crime podcast, and a foot massage. We’ve never had any issues, and he’s in 11th grade now.

Melania T., 8:55 PM
Sounds complicated. Have you considered hiring a nanny who would do all that for you?

Kathleen F., 8:56 PM
Have you considered being a better mom?

Jennifer O., 8:57 PM
Have you considered offering a drink of water? Maybe she’s thirsty.

Madelyn B., 9:00 PM
Did you formula feed? If you did, the damage is already done and will haunt your daughter forever. :/ Most problems in the world were caused by formula feeding, including inflation, nuclear warfare, holes in the ozone layer, and The Office leaving Netflix, but the mainstream media won’t tell you that.

Penelope P., 9:05 PM
Was she vaccinated, by any chance? My son grew a tail and turned into a werewolf after receiving his polio vaccine. We got a $2 million settlement. You might want to look into that.

Gardenia Y., 9:08 PM
Sorry, I don’t think I can help you. Amaretto slept through the night starting at six weeks and has never even had a hint of a bedtime routine. He just bathes himself, gets in his bed without being told, sings himself a lullaby and turns off the light. No offense, I guess he’s just different?

Clarissa H., 9:10 PM
Clearly your daughter needs an earlier bedtime, to stay in tune with her circadian rhythm.

Lydia G., 9:11 PM
Clearly she needs a LATER bedtime. The mainstream media has brainwashed you into believing there is such a thing as a circadian rhythm.

Felicity W., 9:14 PM
Have you tried a bath? Have you tried lighter-weight pajamas? How old is your daughter? What is her name? What time did you first put her in her crib? When did this issue begin? What do you normally do to get ready for bed? Can we see a photo of your nursery setup so we can critique your carpet choice?

Julia I., 9:20 PM
I think the whole problem stems from trying to put your child on a schedule. Maybe you should look into attachment parenting. Lepidoptera works out her own bedtime based on phases of the moon, barometric pressure, and how hot and sweaty she feels after being snuggled in my wrap carrier all day long.

Hailey D., 9:21 PM
No, she definitely needs a schedule! Children thrive on routine! Tallulah was a tantrum monster until we finally began micromanaging her day, and now she holds me to the schedule. We spent five fewer seconds playing Barbies this morning than we should have, and I won’t hear the end of it for a week.

Denise R., 9:25 PM
She’s probably not getting enough mental or physical stimulation during the day. Do you let her sit in front of the TV for hours on end? You probably do. Do you smoke opium in front of her? You probably do. Have you considered baby gymnastics?

Annabelle C., 9:26 PM
Squirt a little breast milk in each nostril before you put her in her crib and she’ll be out like a light. It’s like NyQuil, but organic, and magic.

Brenda W., 9:53 PM
I can’t believe you let your daughter go to bed so late! Children these days are so spoiled. When I was a child, I went to bed every night at 5 pm without complaining until I graduated high school, at which time I left home and never saw my family again and got a tattoo and started hitchhiking and went straight to Woodstock and I do not remember anything else about the summer of ’69.

Chelsea L., 2:25 AM
Okay all. Thanks for your comments.
Anybody know how to turn off notifications?

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This piece first appeared in Frazzled in April 2021. Unfortunately, internet culture has not changed for the better since that long-ago day.